Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
