Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
