he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
