oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
