Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
