i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize