what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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