Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
