I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
