I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
