why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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