cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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