It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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