the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
