hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
