There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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