The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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