She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
