Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
