So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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