Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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