it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
