Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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