Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize