yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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