dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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