first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
