He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
