When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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