Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
