I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
