Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
