May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
