Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
