Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
