I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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