I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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