so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i believe in u and ur pee
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
