It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
