Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
