If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
