Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
