i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
