So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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