yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
