Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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