I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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