Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
