Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
