sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
