Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
