I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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