I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
