Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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