I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You left your phone here
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