I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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