did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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