it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
