you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
