just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
