Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
