Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
