Need sex. Gaining weight.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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