Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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