he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
