Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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