Plan B is the new Plan A
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
