apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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