chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
