I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
