Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
