I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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