his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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