I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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