Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
