ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
