dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
